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Things Unsaid and Thoughts Unexpressed

It’s awkward to write anything about death, even when it has happened. It just feels off. Maybe because it’s a loss that you cannot redeem despite how hard you pray or work. Lazarus was a lucky man to get a second chance at living. Then again, we’re mortal and death happens. It’s a phenomenon that’s happens every single day, hour, minute. As I type this, something is happening to someone that’s taking away their life, the core of their being. That’s scary. Actually what scares me, is not the dying in itself, it’s the process of it. The how and the what. The how. Experiencing the feeling of not being able to breathe or if there’s a pain that comes with it (I believe no one wants to experience immense pain, I mean unless it’s a crazy fetish). The what. The people who care about me suffering emotionally. I think emotional pain is to some extent more daunting that physical pain.

Things Unsaid, Thoughts Unexpressed

 

When I was a kid, I feared any mention of death, but for some reason I still used to read the obituaries page in the dailies. My mum is a nurse, and I think with the profession and the exposure it brings, comes the acceptance of this phenomenon. I remember her joking about reading the obituary, saying, “It’s good to read it just in case someone mistakenly puts you there and you’re here”. It was kind of funny, now that I think of it, but then, not. Or when she said something about when she’s not there, how she’d like things to be done, that we don’t have to spend an arm and a leg, or she shares her passwords just in case of anything. Oh my, that completely freaked me out. Like let’s just leave it there, let’s not talk about it. In essence, there should be nothing wrong with discussing about it, because it’s part of our existence.

I don’t know how I would deal with the absence of any of my loved ones, or even people I generally interact with a lot. And I really don’t want to know or imagine it. Have you ever been told to write your eulogy and the first thing that crossed your mind, is that the person is telling you to write your death wish? I doubt I did that assignment or I chose another composition to write. At least we were given a choice.

Anyhow, why I thought of this? I just realized that when a young person dies, especially one that is known within my circle of friends even if I don’t know them, I get curious, really curious. I want to know a little more about them, I want to know what happened, I want to know what they used to do and so on. Then I wonder, why the curiosity after someone’s death? Why not be curious before. Although before, you probably didn’t know much about them, just a mention here or a picture there.

Everything is magnified then; how happy or nice a person used to be, how successful they were, how they were a force to reckon with, how they’d done this and that, how people looked up to them and loved the things they did for them and for others. Chances are that this person didn’t even know these things about themselves, they didn’t know that that’s what people thought about them. Maybe they thought less of themselves, or they were lonely and alone. Of things unsaid and thoughts unexpressed.

For some reason when death happens, you are more alive in people than you were when you were alive. I think for me that’s the scariest part. But in my opinion, I wish that’s not how it was.

Maybe the change starts from me and you and that’s why I really admire what Humans of New York does. It makes everyone relevant, even when to others, they don’t seem so. Every time they post a picture with such real and personal captions, it touches my heart.

Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*

My Best Reads

Tagged by my good friend and old neighbor – Wanja Kinyanjui on Facebook  to list the top 10 books that have touched and stayed with me. I’ll break the chain and do it on the blog because I think I’ve posted too much on facebook already. Then I’ll tag YOU my reader. You can leave some of your best reads on the comment section, I might just get a couple for my next read.

Good Reads, Books

 

Wow, I have read a couple of books in my lifetime, mostly school books … lol. But there’s no way in good heavens I am putting those up of course. Thing is, I’m not a complex reader and I came to accept that fact. So I wouldn’t touch a book that’s difficult to decipher or even read – hence why I was unable to do documentaries. I tried … I really tried to be the cool kid with huge books at one point in my life. As well as try read sci-fi’s and ish – you know the Harry Potter’s of this world. If it’s not real, I feel wasted, because I want to relate. Hmm, let’s see my list, here goes:

  1. Little women – Louisa May Alcott – Got it from my mum’s shelf, way back when #beingateenager. I was looking for a book to read and what a better book for a girl growing up than this one. Louisa captures her life story together with that of her 3 sisters. How they balanced their personalities and roles within the home setting. I took ages to read because it was an almost slow book, but interesting because you can relate to a lot that they went through while growing up even if in a different setting.
  2. Captivating – Unveiling the mystery of a Womans Soul” – John and Stasi Eldredge – Gifted by Mum for my birthday. It was about understanding myself as woman. Which got me to write two review posts: Every Woman’s Desire and What Defines A Woman, I was that touched.
  3. Alchemist | Aleph – Paulo Coelho – I bought them. I love symbols, I love interpreting stuff in a way that I understand best and this book allowed me to through the mind of another writer.
  4. Family Album| The Wedding | Safe Harbor | family ties | 2nd Chance | Big Girl – Danielle Steel – I stole most of these Danielle Steel books from my mum’s shelf, she’s a huge fan and so am I by extension. She writes about life experiences ranging from personalities, family, marriage, love, relationships, and careers. I don’t know if she imagines these stories or they are true stories, because they pretty much sound like just what happens. I could read her books all day, errday.
  5. Half of A Yellow Sun | Americanah | Purple Hibiscus – Chimamanda Adichie – I have a girl crush on her writing. She’s such a storyteller, I love it. When I read her books, I direct a movie in my mind. I even imagine how her cast looks like in my mind and how the scenes unveil. And well, after watching Half of a Yellow Sun, I’m so damn right, or rather she got it right – the movie met my expectations to the dot.
  6. Eat, Pray, Love | Committed – Elizabeth Gilbert – I loved the 1st book, so I got the 2nd . I liked how she was able to openly express herself through her writing. If I was to write a book, I would almost do it like her, but now in my way. The Eat, Pray, Love movie didn’t quite meet my expectations though, a lot was axed in the movie.
  7. There are so many books I’ve bought on the streets of famous writers, the likes of Stephen Frey and his other genius writer friends who are best sellers. Read them but unfortunately I can’t remember their names or their titles. That happens to me A LOT, in movies I’ve watched too.

But just so that you know a little more about my reading life,

“I love books with a storyline. I don’t like motivational books. Especially those that tell me what to do or not to do with my life, I think we all know what to do, we just need some inspiration – tell me a story instead, I can learn from it and derive my inspiration from your experience.”

Terrific Tuesday lovelies.

Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*

What defines a woman?

Kawi:

Blast (read blog) from the past. Do you think there some truth in there or not?

Originally posted on Kawi Snippets:

With reference to this post:  Every Woman’s Desire : It’s an Excerpt from the book ”Captivating – Unveiling the mystery of a Womans Soul” by John and Stasi Eldredge which my mum had gotten for me as a birthday gift. Well, somethings like this come in handy in life because as it is, this books has helped understand some things about women. Yeah, we try to understands ourselves too.

So here goes, “What defines a woman?” This is the most difficult topic. Even us women don’t really know. But anyway, according afore-mentioned book, “Most women define themselves in terms of their relationships, and the quality they deem those relationships to have.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but honestly speaking. Just take a rough look at all the women in your life…this is for both men and women to  do. Ever since I read that book, I’ve always tried to prove this…

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Our First Cupcakes

Sometimes, I live for firsts. They make you feel like that there so much that the world still has to offer. You know those things that to others, would seem like such a normal day-to-day thing but to you, having been presented an opportunity to do it, or even getting the courage or psyche to go ahead and do it, is a big deal.

That was me, when I woke up one Sunday morning feeling like this -> Baky. Those cupcakes were just calling out my name, “hey Kawiria, bake us”. And I blurt out, “why don’t we bake today?” Thank God the fiancé gets just as excited as I do about firsts. We set out to get the baking equipment, all thanks to Google. He was extremely cooperative, despite the rounds we had to make. I think in our minds, we were seeing the end product, those delish cupcakes. Nothing, even the unavailability of equipment was going to stop us, we were ready to substitute (actually we did for some) . Some of the equipment we used:

Measuring cups | whisk or hand mixer | wooden spoon | cupcake trays | cupcake liners | cooling rack | bowl | flour sieve | oven | grease proof paper | among others.

We we’re looking at quality, functionality and affordability. Some of the equipment was ridiculously priced at Nakumatt, but much cheaper at Naivas. Some cheaper equipment at Naivas looked like it was of poorer quality, or they just didn’t have them available, like the measuring cups. In the end though, we managed to cover the list after running from one supermarket to another.

We used this recipe for our first try. We of course added our own crazy twist to it, the chocolate shavings, I thought it would taste a little yummier with them on. Let me say for first timers, those cakes were everything. The butter was a little too much, but you know what happens with butter, it makes it moist, so winning!

Ingredients
110g/4oz butter or margarine, softened at room temperature -> We used butter
110g/4oz caster sugar
2 free-range eggs, lightly beaten
1 tsp vanilla extract -> We slipped in a drop of strawberry essence
110g/4oz self-raising flour
1-2 tbsp milk —> We kinda used whipping cream too

Cupcakes, Baking

Now, we’re looking forward to making that moist mouth-watering Red Velvet cake. I hope I made you salivate a little, I am. So whose party are we crushing and bringing over cupcakes? We’ll upgrade ourselves to cakes very soon. I told you that on our next birthday, we’re baking our own cake. No more Valentine Cake House or Cake City. I wasn’t joking, we got this :-) to learning new skills.

Have a blessed weekend. Let’s do more, like laugh a little more, love a little more, learn a little more, but live much much more.

Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*

 

What Next?

Dreaded question? It could very easily be mine.

One of those that fall under the “best and worst question”, all in the same intensity. Best when I know what’s coming next, like I have it all planned out, with the answers at my fingertips, more like a – bring it on – kind of scenario. Worst when I’m trying to figure it out. Chances are that I haven’t even given it a thought or talked about it yet because I fear the answer is “I don’t know”. I was brought up being told to never say “I don’t know”. I’d rather give you a tentative plan or an “I’ll get back to you”. I can’t recall where I picked up that habit from, and I don’t think it was not home, because I was never harassed for not knowing. Maybe school. Well, at least it helped because I never left any blank answers during exams. I’d rather cook up an answer than admit that I don’t know, then find out later what that was all about.

What Next?

What Next? Is that kind of question that’s hooked to the human DNA. We usually feel the need to ask it especially after receiving some good news. You’re never given that honeymoon period to gloat in your glory. The moment you share something exciting, the next thing is, “What Next?” I’m guilty of doing the same thing to others and even to myself. Someone just got engaged, so when’s the wedding? Someone just got married, so when’s the baby coming? Someone gets a baby, so when’s the next one? Someone gets a job, so what are you looking for next? Someone graduates, so what will you study next? Someone chops their hair, so what will you do with it next? Someone buys new shoes … ? It’s crazy, the little heaven here on earth is always so short-lived.

I got my Post-Graduate certificate … finally! It’s one thing to graduate, but it’s another to actually get a clean bill of health from the University and receive the certificate. The excitement lasted as long as the hand over.  We can measure that in seconds. As soon as I received, the question I asked myself was, what next? Then I bump into my friend and share the same news right outside the school gate and she asks me, so what next? PhD?

Graduation, MBA, Strategic Management,  Daystar University, Thesis

I told her, kids, but of course I was kidding (see what I did there). Truth be told though, I had a plan to do a PhD, I even know what it’ll be on – that was in my young and school-loving days, but today, I’m not entirely ready. The thought of lectures, assignments, evening classes, quarterly exams, dissertations – I’m just not ready for that kind of torture just yet. Unless, I’m the one on the front side of the class making other people feel that way *smirk*.

Sometimes, I wish we had the answers to all things future. That we always knew what next or even where and what you want to be? So that when someone asks you, you don’t look like you just swallowed a hot potato. It could very well be a conversation starter, a tough one though. Same thing as asking someone, what their 5 year or 10 year plan is. Now that I’ve mentioned;

What’s your 5/10 year plan? (10 if you think 5 is too shortsighted. I’ll accommodate y’all). Let’s think about it together, then individually jot it down somewhere (a permanent place that is, like a notebook, not your phone, technology is tricky  – it could crash or become obsolete. It’s a funny thing that books still live and last longer).

Then 5/10 years down the line, we’ll retrieve it and see if we’ll have gotten there. If we stuck to the same plan, changed course or well, it just didn’t work out and you did something different. Because we never give up, yes?

Have a Super-Charged Week Champs!

Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*

Harsh Realities

If there’s one (actually two but intertwined) thing I have learnt to respect and appreciate is time and experience.  At one point, I was of the school of thought “why do I have to wait to get this? I want it now” and “why do people make a big deal out of experience? I mean, if I can do it why are you asking for years of experience.” And then I figured, that time gives you leeway, while experience gives you exposure. They reveal to you things that you thought you knew but you actually didn’t. And slowly you keep advancing yourself. That’s why those two, I believe, are the most important aspects of growth. Growth in whichever capacity. So;

  • When you read a job vacancy and they’re asking for 5-10 years’ experience, that request is valid. It shouldn’t demoralize you. It should instead make you more optimistic, that the struggle you’re going through now is worth it. That at one point, with a little patience in your grind, you will reap the benefits too.  Respect your seniors, because one day, you’ll get there and you’ll want your juniors to do the same.
  • If you see folks who have been married for a couple of years, and they are giving you pieces of advice, listen, for only they know better. It doesn’t mean you have to do as they say or be as they are, but why re-invent the wheel or go through the same rough path they trudged, while they have identified a smoother one?
  • You have a business and someone tells you, “give it time, it will pick up”. The business is viable and your service delivery is exceptional – I tell my mum this every day, you just need to give it time and once people know about your services (experience), they’ll be loyal, and you’ll be their point of reference. Businesses don’t flourish in a day, a month or a year, some legacy’s take years to build. One just needs to be patient and put in some extra effort while at it.
  • You’ll understand how a person with years of experience will always tramp someone with no years of experience despite them having superior skills or why you can’t build a brand/business/house in one day -> Trying to put it into perspective.

Life, Life Lessons, Experience, Time, Harsh Realities

I know right! Not what one wants to hear. It’s a harsh reality, but the earlier one starts to value the fundamentals of growth; time & experience, the more things will make sense. I know most things don’t. It’s a LIFE-TIME EXPERIENCE!

Happy Thursday Folks!

Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*

My Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day. Let me tell you a little something about my Father, who I call Dad or Daddy (mostly when I need a favor, because it almost sounds like you’re saying it with a puppy face and battling eyelashes). First, he is the best dad I could ever have. He’s the epitome of cool, calm and collected, very easy going and not fussy about stuff (I mean, he’ll eat what we’re eating, watch what we’re watching, chill with us, fix stuff around, drink coffee – with no specifications on how it should be made). He speaks his mind and doesn’t sugar coat anything he says, which now makes me think he’s the most genuine person I know. Especially when it comes getting realistic feedback, he’s the go to guy. If it’s a yes, it’s a yes. If it’s a no, it’s a no. If it looks bad, then that’s what it is. If it looks good, he won’t give it to you in a golden platter, he’ll tell you in a sarcastic way, you have to have some humor to get it. There’s no in between. I think on that part, I took my mothers genes because I sugarcoat, a lot.

Well, when growing up, we had our best moments and not so best moments. There are times I thought, “how can dad say that”, “how can he refuse this”. Sometimes, I had ideas of what I want to do or where I want to go and he’ll blatantly refuse or give a reason that’s painfully true but not one you want to hear at that point in time. If not, he’ll give curfews or ultimatums, and it just felt like he just didn’t get me or he was being a bit too strict when other friends were having it much easier. Then later on in life, I look back and I appreciate all that. Strange. That’s the circle of life I tell you.

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The tough calls, the lectures, the pushing, all that made me who and what I am. I may not have much today (maybe I do, and I don’t know it yet), however, I know as I continue growing, I want to make sure the sacrifices he made (and continues to make even today) to ensure I (we) have it all, remain and continue being worthwhile. I can never repay him, I will never try to, because he’s playing his role right. I will reciprocate that love, that commitment, that sacrifice that he provides every single day and moment.

As his daughter, I know when all is said and done, he’s the one man that will always have my heart. Just seeing him smile, seeing him proud of us and letting him be, our dad. Thumbs up to my mum, your husband is a keeper.

Behind every amazing dad, is a mum that always backs him up (lesson learnt through a lifetime of observation).

On a lighter note, he’s a cap guy. He’s always in one every weekend. I bet you he’d be in one during the week if work allowed. Every time I ask him what he wants for his birthday, for Christmas, for Father’s Day, randomly, a cap is always in the mix. Though he always removes it on photos it so that we can see his handsome face – his words. Too fresh!

Now you’ll have a blessed week, won’t you? Love & Light!

Signing Off ~~~ *Kawi*